My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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