Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
