i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
