I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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