Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
