dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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