Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
