YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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