Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
