My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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