So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
