the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
