I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
