I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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