i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
