i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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