you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
