just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
