i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
