Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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