Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Randomize
