I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Jerry, you need to find god
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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