Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So vagazzling was a success
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
