Porn is love you can see.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
