dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
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