So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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