My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
