I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
