so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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