GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
