I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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