He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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