Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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