I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
