Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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