I accidentally burped into my bong.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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