The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
