every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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