If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
