so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
