I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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