Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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