mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
