o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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