First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
