woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
