Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
