you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
