I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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