Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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