I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I cannot find my penis.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
they're like a gay fantastic four
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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